1. When she gives you one bad side eye when you look at her to ask if you can eat out of your visitors’ food. (Meanwhile it’s the visitor who invited you o) and then twist your ears when the visitors leave and you eat the food.
2. When you ask her where you should drop an item and she replies, “drop it on my head.”
3. When you say “mummy, I’m Sorry” and she replies “Sorry for yourself”
4. When she brings food wrapped in a polythene bag from a party.
5. When you say: “mummy, I have malaria” and she replied: “why won’t you have malaria when you have been pressing phone since morning”
6. When you say: “I came 2nd in my class” and she replies: “so the person that came first has two heads, abi?”
7. When she locks the DSTV remote control in her room just to punish you.
8. When you’re watching TV with her and then she sleeps off and still doesn’t want you to change the channel.
9. When you tell her you are going to friends’ houses and she replies, “when last did they come here to play with you?”
10. When she asks you if the food is enough and you reply no and she says go and drink water
11. When she forces you to drink “agbo” and holds a cane on one side so you won’t vomit it.
12. When she takes a pot off the fire without a napkin
13. When she sends you on an errand and ask for her N5 balance and you say, “mummy but it’s N5 now” and then she replies “N5 no be money?”
14. When you say: my wedding will be baad and she replies: God forbid. Your wedding will not be bad in Jesus name
15. When she tells you: ‘I didn’t kill my mother, so you cannot come and kill me’
16. When she calls you from your room upstairs and then sends you back upstairs to bring her purse.
17. When you ask her to help you with your home work and she directs you to go and meet your brother. You then say, so you don’t even know it and she replies: “it is your father’s family members that are dullards”
18. When you ask her to refund the money you lent her and she tells you “all the food you’ve been eating at home nko?”
19. When she removes her gele and ties it on her waist before fighting whoever beats you unjustly.
20. When she finds out you didn’t finish your breakfast and she says, “so you want to waste this en, keep it, you will eat it in the afternoon or night. I work for my money.”
21. When as a child you tell her, mum that place is paining me and she deliberately scrubs the spot.
22. If she sends you on an errand and before you step out she calls you back and says, “the place I sent you isn’t far. If you like, walk round the town and come back by 6pm, you will come and meet me hia (here).
23. When she sends you to the market to get pieces of fish and you come back with 3 pieces for N300 and she says, “if na me na 10 I go buy for N300. Dem don rob you”.
24. When she storms your room to switch off your audio player because the volume is too loud.
25. When she prices an item in the market and you start feeling bad for the seller.
Nigerian Mum: How much be this meat?
Nigerian Mum: Wetin, this one wey go shrink and disappear for pot, N500 Oga.