Things Have Fallen Apart
Predictably the APC is dead. Me I am so happy. I knew this would happen. When my politically naive wife was sneaking behind my back to go vote for them at the last Presidential elections I just looked at her with pity. I pitied her stupidity. How can a woman risk her matrimonial home and go and vote for a party different from her husband who is the Lord of the house. 
Her case was worsened by the fact that she chose a party welded together by bandages made of personal ambition. Now, na me dey Laff. While the APC Senators were having their meeting somewherelse, more serious Senators where in the hallowed Halls of the National Assembly voting in my candidate. Let me stop here and say that of all the candidates, this is the best that can be thrown up for now.
 APC is dead and in a matter of months we will be burying it. The common enemy, Jonathan is gone now the swords have been drawn, no more reason to be together. The President not being interested, the Jagaban group throwing up their candidate, the pro PDP, APC members supporting their own candidate, the centre could no longer hold and things fell apart. 
Now PDP has indirectly sneaked back into power albeit in the Senate. Let us see how easy it will be for a politically inexperience President, without the chutzpah of an Obasanjo push his policies and appointments through a National Assembly so divided. I have asked my wife for an unreserved apology in writing, complete with a caveat that going forward she will support the family party irrespective of what party I choose to support.
Wike, ‎Amaechi, I  Thank You
Last week, I made a passionate appeal to my elder brothers, Rotimi and Wike. I had asked them to sheathe their swords and concentrate on more serious issues of national dimension, like getting me a cabinet position in this new government. Immediately that colunm came out, I received a call from one of Amaechi’s Aides, I can’t remember his name but he sha spoke passionately about their position and why they were exchanging stories with that Wike person. 
I restated my own position on the gradual erosion of the huge goodwill his principal had garnered after the elections and how this cat fight was eroding it steadily. I also stated my fear of how the fight would not only risk his continued relevance in this government but how it would inadvertently affect any future political move by him. 
He thanked me and promised to get the message back to his principal. I am proud to say that since that call, I have not heard Amaechi call Wike a goat and I am so happy not for the stabilizing factor of this position but for the new stature this has given me in our country. I am now very influential and would soon ask OBJ and Atiku Abubakar to step aside and allow me reign in peace as the next most influential Nigerian. I am now the new Jagaban of Shomolu.
Saraki Remember Me O
His excellency, kindly remember that last week when it was looking very gloomy, I came out and stated my full support for your candidacy. I placed my support on the fact that your late father the highly respected Olusola Saraki ate my Amala at a party in Gbagada some years ago. That simple gesture of reaching out and taking my ball of Amala built a bridge between Kwara people and Akwa Ibom people. Since then we have had several cultural exchanges with more calabar men having girlfriends from Ilorin and environs.
 So when it was announced that you had won, I jumped up and praised the almighty God for once again ensuring that the secret pact I had with your father in which I promised him that I will take care of you has been further strengthened. I send my sincere felicitation to you for this well deserved victory even as I pray that no Banana Peel will come your way in Gods name, you will not like your predecessor, eat Pounded yam and get impeached the following morning, you will reign in peace, foster unity amongst all forces, work with our President in rehabilitating us and most importantly you will mightily be in the vanguard of real and sustainable change in our country. I am so happy o. Kai.
Jagaban Isn’t it time we retired
My lord, I want to humbly ask this small question, isn’t it time we retired? This career of ours has been the most distinguished in the political annals of this country. You have succeeded where even the great sage failed. From Mobil, through NADECO, to the governorship of Lagos State and finally installing the President, you have shown uncanny courage, clear understanding of our polity and have been the benevolent god father to us all. Let’s retire daddy. It’s ok. Let’s head to the sands of Miami in our boxer shorts and scan the young sweet ladies as they parade on the Beach. 
This Saraki boy is determined to embarrass us and I suspect this could be the beginning of the unravelling of our structure. These boys Fashola and Fayemi can not be trusted o, so who do we have left, Osibajo? Even you know better to expect any thing there, he is too short. Our best option is to announce our retirement and morph into an advisory role so that these small boys will not try any rubbish on our legacy. Sir, can I go ahead and book the flight, I can’t wait to get to Miami .
Child Bride Murder Suspect Freed
Ok, I don’t even know the angle to take this. Don’t even know why I am writing about it sef. Guess, I am in one of my risqué moods. The court have freed the little girl who was alleged to have killed her husband simply because she was married out to him at such a young age. 
The news I read was that the Prosecutors withdrew the charges and she was free to go. Me, I no be lawyer and I am not a child bride so I am confused. I don’t understand the reasons why the charges where withdrawn and I am beginning to suspect that murder is the best solution to peadophilia. 
This precedent is worrisome, what happens to the next child killer, is this suppose to be a warning to randy old men to double check the birth certificates before embarking on what is beginning to look like a dangerous journey and beyond that, at the ceremony, you make sure you ask the child bride herself if she was comfortable and happy before you drag her home. 
Marrying underage girls is a heinous crime against humanity but getting killed for that is a little bit too much in my books. Can someone please help and explain to me hurriedly just what transpired in court that day? I’m waiting.
Jimi Disu, a little stroke
Uncle Jimi is that Radio analyst on classic Fm that does all the talking on his program every morning. He talks on issues especially politics authoritatively and brooks no opposing views. The programme is so one sided that it turns into a joke to me. I just listen out of no choice since I’m in traffic and other stations are playing music, so I am forced to listen to uncle Jimi’s monologue on Nigeria. 
Even on his Sunday programme, the guest is left listening to him as he asks all the questions and promptly answers them himself. Uncle Jimi with the kind of strong positions you take on issues, please give us opportunity to take you on too. Na democracy o no be jimicracy.
Joseph Edgar is an investment banker who writes as a hobby. He writes from a humorous, satirical point of view. He blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com.